Life Is But A Dream
I have found that it is a common occurrence to be both filled with the sweet joy of happiness and the pulling, wrenching loneliness of despair. I feel alone in my experience as his mother. Who could possibly understand?
I suffer his indignities, his hurts and his loneliness. His social blunders, better yet described as disasters rip and tear through me. My secret shame is that at times I find myself not liking him, wanting him to be anyone but who he is, wishing beyond all hope that he was different. This makes me sad and I feel ugly inside as I write the words.
He was singing in the car today. His sweet little boy voice, clear, true and strong melodically trilling out the words to row, row, row your boat. I smiled, sweetly, happy to hear the sound of my son singing. It was beautiful. I almost ruined the moment by turning around and sharing my smile. I stopped myself at the last minute, thank God and was blessed with the sweet sound of my child, my wonderful, sweet, amazing child singing from his heart. I felt as if I belonged and fit with all the other mothers who know this joy.
I smile here as I type at the memory and my face is wet. I am crying. I am crying from my heart and from my eyes and from my very soul.
When I was young and silly and held on to the naive belief that love was enough, that it conquered all, I heard a song that made me angry, filled my head and heart with confusion and dread. It went something along the lines of no one ever knows or loves another. I had honestly, innocently and naively believed that love was enough, that it knew no limits, that it forgave all wrongs, healed all hurts and conquered any and every obstacle. Now that I am a mother, now that I am his mother, I understand the song.
I have heard many times if you have met one child with Autism you have met one child with Autism.
I will for the rest of my life, stand by my son. My beloved, wonderful son, brings me to my knees. He fills my heart with love and joy and shows me every day that I know nothing. I would gladly give any future happiness if only to ensure his. I feel weak and sad and lost, however I am a mother of a son who needs more, who will always need more. I take this moment to write out what feelings I can, I do feel a little lighter. I find my small moments of peace.
I smile at the memory of his singing. His voice is sweet, and loud and clear. Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.