My Ava

by Laurie
(Yakima, WA)

The most unexpected things can hurt.

A package of 2T undies, while I buy diapers with no end in sight.
A little girl saying, “Haylee, come here,” to her sister.
Daddy wiping her chin because she’s so focused
on the games; not swallowing.
Cheerleaders and basketball players. Will she have the choice?
A chewy tube. Leg braces.
Stares at church as she bites my hair.
A three year old with a binky?

Questions flood my head.
I can’t focus on anything but the uncertainty.
Will she…Ever learn to sleep,
Fall in love,
Play basketball,
Talk? Say, “Mama?”
Get out of diapers,
Stop falling down,
Love life?

Will I…Have patience at 3 a.m.,
Accept her…me,
Continue to believe in God,
Ever stop wondering why?
Stop counting on others and start counting on myself,
Be a grandma someday,
Be able to handles stares, questions, accusations,
Be her soldier,
Be worthy of her.

Can we… Stay in love
(80% of parents of autistic children end up in divorce),
Not place blame on each other,
Continue to laugh,
Be proud of her as she is.

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