You Hate Me And I'm Sorry

by Anonymous

For Alex, age 7

I try and wake you in the morning
You won’t get up so I dress you while you’re still in bed
It's harder every day
Because you're almost as big as me
You look so peaceful, so nice
Wish I didn't have to wake you.

I carry you to the couch so you can watch cartoons
I make you breakfast; I pack your lunch
Ooops, almost forgot to dress me!
It's time to go to school now, "c'mon buddy lets go"
"I hate you Mom" you scream at me
You bare your teeth and look at me with piercing eyes
I say, "I'm sorry, we have to go”
(Good morning Autism!)

I try to let it go as I'm taking you to school
You don't see it but I just want to cry
Want to go back home and go to bed, maybe get some sleep
I walk you in and tell you "have a good day"
Did you even hear me
You say you don't want to go in
I say, "I'm sorry, I have to go"
You don't even notice me leaving

Daddy couldn't cope with the stress
He made a friend away from home
Mommy couldn't live with that
So mommy sent daddy away
You tell me, "I hate you Mom"
I tell you "I'm sorry, someday you'll understand"

Daddy says its better this way
He'll be a better dad
It's too much for him to deal with every day
You don't know it, but it’s too much for me too
How much more can I hear "I hate you"

You hate me and, I'm sorry
You hate me when I make the wrong thing for dinner
You hate me when I tell you no
You hate me when I make you go to school
You hate me when we get home
You hate me. But it's okay, I love you.

Alex, I will always love you
Even when you hate me
I will dress you as long as you need me to
I will cope with the fact my friends won't come to visit
I will take time off work to advocate for you
I will viciously defend you against ignorance
I will hug you even when you pull away

I will wake up tomorrow and do it again and again
Because I know every night before bed you will say
"Mommy, I love you. I'm sorry for the stuff I said today."
And I will say, Baby, that's okay
And you'll fall asleep in my arms... still

Autism has taken away so much of my life
And happiness, and youth, and sanity
But, Alex, I will never let it take away you!
I love you so much.
You are my purpose in life.

Sometimes you hate me, and I'm sorry
But I'll never give up on you
Not ever
Love, Mommy

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