You Hate Me And I'm Sorry
For Alex, age 7
I try and wake you in the morning
You won’t get up so I dress you while you’re still in bed
It's harder every day
Because you're almost as big as me
You look so peaceful, so nice
Wish I didn't have to wake you.
I carry you to the couch so you can watch cartoons
I make you breakfast; I pack your lunch
Ooops, almost forgot to dress me!
It's time to go to school now, "c'mon buddy lets go"
"I hate you Mom
" you scream at me
You bare your teeth and look at me with piercing eyes
I say, "I'm sorry, we have to go”
(Good morning Autism!)
I try to let it go as I'm taking you to school
You don't see it but I just want to cry
Want to go back home and go to bed, maybe get some sleep
I walk you in and tell you "have a good day"
Did you even hear me
You say you don't want to go in
I say, "I'm sorry, I have to go"
You don't even notice me leaving
Daddy couldn't cope with the stress
He made a friend away from home
Mommy couldn't live with that
So mommy sent daddy away
You tell me, "I hate you Mom
I tell you "I'm sorry, someday you'll understand"
Daddy says its better this way
He'll be a better dad
It's too much for him to deal with every day
You don't know it, but it’s too much for me too
How much more can I hear "I hate you
You hate me and, I'm sorry
You hate me when I make the wrong thing for dinner
You hate me when I tell you no
You hate me when I make you go to school
You hate me when we get home
You hate me. But it's okay, I love you.
Alex, I will always love you
Even when you hate me
I will dress you as long as you need me to
I will cope with the fact my friends won't come to visit
I will take time off work to advocate for you
I will viciously defend you against ignorance
I will hug you even when you pull away
I will wake up tomorrow and do it again and again
Because I know every night before bed you will say
"Mommy, I love you. I'm sorry for the stuff I said today."
And I will say, Baby, that's okay
And you'll fall asleep in my arms... still
Autism has taken away so much of my life
And happiness, and youth, and sanity
But, Alex, I will never let it take away you!
I love you so much.
You are my purpose in life.
Sometimes you hate me, and I'm sorry
But I'll never give up on you